From Suffering to Tranquility

In this post, I’d like to share a phenomenal tool I learned through coaching and therapy sessions. This suspiciously simple method of emotional regulation is shaped to my personal story and the coping I’ve employed over the years. It can be used in real-time when I get triggered and am poised to let my emotions run the show. If you want something practical, salient, and easy to use, this is the thing for you.

The Four Steps outlined here are taken from the wonderful work of Sharon and Terry Hargrave. If you want to learn more about their model of Restoration Therapy and this tool called the Pain and Peace Cycle, check out their website here. Discovering your individual Pain and Peace Cycle is best done with a licensed professional trained in Restoration Therapy (RT). A list of therapists is available through the RT website.

Let’s Get Practical

From the previous series of posts, we plunged into origins of pain and the destructive behavior often used as a workaround for that pain. We also talked about a new way of showing up to life, informed and empowered by the truth of our identity. This allows us to choose a healthier way of showing up in times of stress. But what does this look like in a practical sense? I’m glad you asked.

As an example, let’s say I do the dishes while my wife is out, hoping to delightfully surprise her upon her return. When she arrives home, she notices what I did and thanks me, but I don’t hear her (of course, this has never, EVER happened). Several moments pass, and I start to wonder why she hasn’t said anything. I wanted my benevolence to be noticed. And, it was, but I perceive now that my efforts went unnoticed and/or unappreciated (again, this is just for illustration—not based on real events). Maybe it was dumb of me to hope for acknowledgment. Maybe I should have vacuumed too—ah, see? I knew I wasn’t good enough. I’m never good enough. I’m just a slug.

For this example, my Pain and Peace Cycle (AKA The Four Steps) might go something like this:

1. 1. “I am feeling not good enough.”

1. 1. “I am coping by shaming myself.”

1. 1. “The truth is I am good enough.”

1. 1. “Therefore, I choose to value myself.”

(Steps 1 and 2 are the Pain Cycle, and Steps 3 and 4 are the Peace Cycle)

When I choose to value instead of shame myself, I get to take pride in doing a good deed even if it *doesn’t* get noticed. Now, instead of getting mopey and indulging in self-pity, I get to show up wholly for my wife.

Maybe my being present and attuned to her prompts her to feel like blessing me again with a follow-up affirmation: “That was so nice of you to get the dishes done.” Or maybe I practice healthy assertiveness and tell her my whole plan and desired outcome, taking responsibility for my expectations and resulting feelings/coping. That would clear it up real quick since she’d be able to let me know she did notice the dishes done and had already thanked me.

Regardless of what my wife ultimately does, I get to choose how I talk to myself and how I show up. The example scenario I provided is benign enough, but the Pain and Peace Cycle is not limited to only low stakes situations. It might be easier to practice using this tool with less intense situations at first, but there’s not necessarily a predicament in which it cannot be potentially useful.

Slow it Down

The Pain and Peace Cycle has helped me slow down, take inventory of what’s going on inside me, and respond more appropriately to stressful situations. Ideally, I say this whole cycle to myself aloud when triggered. Each step begins with an “I” statement, reflecting the personal ownership and responsibility for emotions and behaviors. Generally, there are 3 to 5 items in each step: pain words, coping mechanisms, truth words, and new action words. So, a full Pain and Peace Cycle might look like this:

	Feeling Not Good Enough Alone Powerless
New Action Get Curious Surrender Outcomes Stay Present		Coping Get Critical Perform to Please Shut Down
	Truth Good Enough Connected Capable

Starting from the top, I would say, “I’m feeling…not good enough, alone, and powerless.“

Next, “I’m coping by getting critical, performing to please, and shutting down.”

With the bottom box, “The truth is, I am good enough, I’m connected, and I’m capable.”

Therefore, “I choose to get curious, surrender outcomes, and stay present.“

Name it to Tame it

What I love about this tool is it’s not a means to minimize or simply move past and forget your pain. The difficult feelings and beliefs are acknowledged right out of the gate. I’ve heard it said that you’ve got to “name it to tame it” when it comes to emotional pain. This tool does just that, identifying the pain and the enduring tendencies to show up poorly. With these four steps, I am prompted to take responsibility for my feelings and behavior and then empowered to embrace truth and take new action.

The idea with the Pain and Peace Cycle is to dig into your own story to find your individualized pain and coping. When you can identify the origins of your deep seated pains and how you learned to cope with them (usually, during formative years), it validates the significance of your Pain Cycle. If you grew up with a sibling who regularly got to choose where the family went to dinner while your preferences were disregarded, you could have developed the feeling/belief that you don’t matter. Maybe you learned it was easiest to fall asleep to your own needs and shut down in these instances. You wouldn’t have been listened to even if you felt comfortable speaking up. This was just how things were, and you had to survive somehow. Besides, it’s just picking a restaurant. No big deal, right?

I’ve learned that it is not so much the actual event(s) that transpired but my interpretation of them that has the most weight. Each person will be prone to a perspective and draw their own conclusions about a situation. Coping can also be very different from person to person, depending on temperament, environmental factors, etc. While one person could respond to not being heard by shutting down and speaking up less, another person might become angry and spew vehement phrases to make their voice be heard. Both are unhealthy responses and will not serve you well as you enter adulthood.

Only a Sith Deals in Absolutes

Core painful feelings/beliefs get triggered time and time again as we filter life events to fit our internal narrative. If I have an old pain belief that I am a failure, I I will look for evidence in my life to confirm this belief. When I get nine positive comments and one negative comment on my quarterly review at work, I will magnify that one negative into proof that I’m a wretched failure. If my wife asks me to get fusilli pasta, and I come home with farfalle, I’m a failure. If I’m denied admission to the university of my dreams, I’m a failure.

To spell it out like this makes it look rather silly, doesn’t it? But, man, if I’m brutally honest, I will come to the same dismal conclusions about myself due to some pretty petty events. The deep seated pain is always there, like a background task running on a computer, waiting for its time in the spotlight. Similarly, I have the proclivity to cope in a consistent manner in response to that regularly-occurring pain. I’m a failure…which means I isolate and shut down. I’m a failure…which means seek a neurotransmitter high with pornography. I’m a failure…which means I doom scroll on Instagram to numb out.

Check Your Algorithm

We all have a pain/coping algorithm based on interpretations of early life events and the behavior(s) we used to survive.

Regardless of your coping style, the Pain and Peace Cycle can provide a way to slow down your automatic reactions when you’re triggered. It is in that pumping of the brakes that change can take place. By recognizing when you’re triggered and coping, you can choose to acknowledge the pain driving your behavior. Instead of reacting from old wounds, you can choose to respond from your grounded self.

Neural pathways have been created and travelled repeatedly our whole lives. An automaticity develops, and we accept this recurring cycle of pain and coping as normal and familiar. There is natural resistance to change, but it is possible. There are new trails to be blazed, new neural connections to be made. With practice and repetition, we can challenge the old thinking and methods that bring us nothing but more suffering. Let’s start taking a new route that leads to peace.

-Mark