White Flag

I’ve talked a fair amount about performance and how it can take the form of unhealthy coping. There are times during which even gaining approval through performance becomes secondary—I’m trying to simply survive. I think there are natural seasons in life that, despite them being wonderful, we do have to kind of “make it through.” Planning for a wedding, raising teenagers, starting a new job, any time you go to the DMV (this one is NOT wonderful) —these are all times that call for an extra helping of courage, grit, and tenacity. As such, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted comes with the territory. Times like these come with a purpose, an end-goal, that (hopefully) makes it all worth it.

What about when there is no purpose to the exhaustion?

Survival Saboteur

I don’t readily admit this, but I know there are times I suffer by my own hand. I feel weary, spent, and irritable, and I want to blame my circumstances, other people, inflation, my recent trip to the DMV, or all of the above for my destitution. Ah, but, like the end of a Scooby Doo episode, the mask is doffed, and who is the culprit? It me.

I find myself getting swept into a vicious, self-sabotaging cycle. I over-exert myself at work (again)—my first blunder. What I need is rest. So, what do I do? I go to the gym, pick up heavy objects repetitively (not without more caffeine, of course), and then end up even more tired. Boy, I should get to bed, and get a good night’s sleep. Hmm, I decide to cut my sleep short and go into work extra early the next day instead. What is going on here? This sounds like the routine of a crazy person.

The Great Unknown

As nice and logical as it is to have a target to blame for my exhaustion, it’s not always so clear. Sometimes, I just get gassed. There are factors I may be nominally aware of, and then there are some that will zip by under my radar of consciousness. A zillion things could be at play—my circadian rhythm, Thanksgiving dinner, sleep quality, the time of year, environmental triggers, unprocessed grief, tension in relationships, etc. Some things, I can control. Others, not so much.

The point is that we all get wiped out sometimes. It may or may not make sense why. What do we do when this happens? Well, Mark, you just told us what to do: go to the gym and lift some friggin’ heavy weights! I get in dangerous waters when I start thinking, “I shouldn’t be tired right now.” When I’m frustrated because I can’t figure out the source of my fatigue, I’m prone to make poor subsequent choices. I don’t qualify for self-care because I haven’t earned it.

Grease Trap

It is a slippery slope, as they say, adding shame to exhaustion. If I’m thinking I’m weak or lame for feeling tired, I’m probably not going to take care of myself well. I’m more likely to grit my teeth and push ahead, hoping to prove to myself (and others) that I’m strong, capable, and not a weakling. The end result? More destitution. More pain. More fatigue. Mental and emotional ruination.

Submission Stigma

As a manly man, what comes to mind when you hear (er, read) the words, ‘surrender,’ ‘forfeit,’ ‘submit’? Perhaps you’re like me and think weak, coward, wimp, sissy. Hmm, yeah, I don’t like that list. I also imagine the context being sports or otherwise some competition of physical and mental fortitude.

Giving up, in one regard, could indicate a lack of guts and valor. But what if there are times when “giving up” is not so much saying no as it is saying yes?

The Path of Least Resistance

Being a man, I often have in the back of my mind that I need to always be grinding, hustling, and beating out the competition. I ought to stand up for myself, and not let anyone look at me the wrong way. I puff out my chest, and obscure any hint of weakness.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for learning to be resilient, diligent, and strong in the face of adversity and in pursuit of goals. I’m talking about the times when my nervous system has had enough. I might not know why, but my body is telling me to rest. What good is it to continue running when I just sprained my ankle?

We’re taught to not go with the flow—to go against the grain instead. But is this always healthy? Ignoring what my body and soul needs is not manliness—it’s foolishness. In fact, going against cultural norms, and allowing ourselves to acknowledge our need for rest can take an immense amount of strength.

Pair o’ Dime Shift

Surrendering is not always “throwing in the towel.” Sometimes, it’s just what the doctor ordered. (I apologize for the ridiculous amount of colloquialisms in this post—I don’t know what’s going on.)

I’m going to assert that masculinity can include rest and restoration. You are not weak for knowing your limits as a man, as a human. You don’t have to have a “good reason” for being exhausted. There’s no board of directors that has to approve your move to submit to your body’s current needs. Your man card is not going anywhere.

New Balance

I’m not making a call to be lazy and subscribe to hedonism. I recognize in my own life that I get off balance at times; I can both over-work and over-rest. It’ll take some humility, but the idea here is to find a healthy balance between work and self-care. I think that’s an okay thing to do. After all, Jesus took naps.

How, Though?

What does submitting to our human limits look like for a healthy man? For me, I’m learning to forgo or make modifications to activities that are too much. I might shorten my gym workout, run 3 miles instead of 6, take a nap instead of playing video games. Maybe I need to express to my wife my energy deficit and how I need to integrate more rest into this weekend.

Granted, I do not currently have children, so my examples could sound luxurious and unrealistic to you. I get that. Again, your season of life may require more creativity and finesse to find rest. It also may be more of a mental shift. I know I can cling so tightly to expectations and want control over things that don’t matter all that much. Maybe surrender for you looks more like de-emphasizing certain things as you make space to breathe and let go.

God calls us to be good stewards. Overloading ourselves until we drop is not the way to go. As healthy men, let’s take a stand to lay down and rest every once in a while.

See what I did there?