How often do you doubt you’re good enough? Maybe you’re an exemplar of self-confidence, awakening each morning with an auspicious outlook. But maybe, you occasionally can’t help feeling unsure about your standing in the world. I, for one, habitually cycle back to this rhetorical inquiry.
Though the query takes many forms, I ultimately desire to know, “Am I good enough?” A basic enough question, yet loaded with implication.
Goodness Me
First off, this is a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ situation. Either I’m good enough, or I’m not. I don’t know about you, but I’m unsettled by pass/fail exams. The fear arises from the splitting into extremes. I’m going to land in only one of two categories: failure or success.
Secondly, there’s a grand uncertainty inherent in this question. To whom do I pose it? Am I asking myself? The general public? The media? God? To whom or what do I bestow authority over answering? If I’m asking this question of quality, there must be some gold standard for goodness. Right?
What criteria are considered here? Is goodness based on my behavior/performance? My number of Instagram followers? My credit score? My adherence to absolute moral standards? My popularity?
When we ask this question, be it of our neighbors, social media, or the ᴠᴏɪᴅ, how often do we unabashedly answer, “yes”?
So easily does a simple question open an abundance of cans.
Survey Says
The truth is, you and I are never all good or all bad. Right there, we could stop. This question is bunk, and there’s no merit to entertaining it.
Alas, I will go on asking it, unabated, to the end of time.
But, wait. The question isn’t “Am I good or not?” Ah, but perhaps it is. When we ask if we’re good enough, we’re usually just asking if we meet the mark. Am I on the right side or the wrong side? Am I good or not?
Question Everything
Now, of whom do we inquire? Well, if you’re looking to just about any advertisement, the message is clear enough: At present, you are not good enough (but you could be if you buy our product).
There are so very many external sources from which we can implore for our current status. Some are easy enough to discredit and ignore. Usually, it’s the subtle and repetitive voices and the conclusions we draw in our subconscious that hold the most weight. A Ferrari pulls up beside you at a stoplight; you might affirm your inadequacy in comparison to its owner. Surely, that guy is good enough, poshly positioned in his symbol of success. In this context, I lose. I’m not good enough.
The message in the previous example wasn’t explicitly stated. It’s merely the conclusion at which I mentally arrived, applying my arbitrary rubric of success to that end. Much of this transpires below the level of full cognizance.
Some voices will speak louder than others, depending on your individual definition of “good enough,” but the matter often hinges on a comparison to others.
The Theory of Relativity
Comparison is baked into the question of being good enough. I want to know how I stack up against my peers, people on social media, and the guy behind me at the checkout line. Or, I apply my standing to some code of conduct or moral guidelines. Or all of the above (for the over-achievers who are definitely good enough).
Our original question more appropriately becomes, “In comparison to other people, am I good enough?” When we get clear about what we’re asking, we begin to realize its absurdity. How can I possibly compare myself to anybody and everybody? There will always be someone “better” than me—and you better believe that as long as there’s somebody like that, I’ll never be good enough. Basically, we’re doomed.
See, we’re not really asking if we’re just “above average” (good enough); we’re asking if we’re better than others in a given context. Armed with denial and self-righteousness, we’ll bolster our own stats while criticizing others. That context simply swells until it includes that person who’s undeniably better than us, squelching any short-lived success we might have had in a smaller sample size. Shame and pride masquerade as self-assurance.
And what are we comparing? It could be one or a hundred things. The ‘good’ in ‘good enough’ can be replaced with smart/funny/wealthy/fit/tall/attractive/desirable/outgoing/popular…essentially, a buffet of characteristics. Pick your poison(s).
Okay, if I’m just obliviously speaking out of my own unique brand of narcissism, and it’s becoming more difficult to relate, please hang in there. I promise I’ll bring it back around.
Should I Turn This Up for You?
Another common modification to our question is, “Am I good enough for you?” Am I able to prove my worthiness of your time, attention, and affirmation? This can happen in any relationship. Overextending ourselves in hopes of receiving some sort of validation/praise/acceptance from another person is what author Brené Brown calls “hustling for our worth.”
Seeking external validation in this manner can also be subtle. In my addict brain, I might seek micro-attention from other women—a glance, a smile, a moment of eye contact—any hint of being noticed. Being regarded favorably via positive body language (albeit, subject to my interpretation) from another woman is like a whiff of that old drug. If I can get this attention from an attractive woman, I must be good enough.
Whether it’s from close relationships or absolute strangers, my scope for potential approval is deep and wide.
Falling for Fallacy
I’ve noticed for myself that I ask this question of being good enough, in one way or another, when I’m already feeling “less than.” When I’m embodying a healthier perspective of myself, there’s no impetus to seek out cheap endorsement from other people/things.
Another central issue is the inadequacy of external factors to satiate my deep desire for identity affirmation. Even if I were to be adored by a million people, I’d still not be satisfied. Whenever my sense of self is dependent on other people, I end up unfulfilled, powerless, and frustrated. I’ll never be good enough. Maybe I feel good enough for a brief moment, but I’ll have to continually prove it to others (and myself), in a futile cycle.
The Four Pillars
We all want to be good enough. The challenge is abandoning this old, broken pattern of trying to find worth where it can’t be found. Here are four things to help break the cycle:
1. Be Okay with Being Average. Life is not a competition. We can’t be everything to everyone. Refuse to participate in a game that can’t be won. I don’t need to be extraordinary to have value. Learn to accept the gifts and talents God has given you, and embrace your limitations.
2. Focus on Others. C.S. Lewis remarked that “humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.” I like this idea of simply shifting my focus to the needs of others. It’s not all about me. We don’t need to neglect ourselves to be humble, but surrendering a chunk of that time and energy normally spent fretting over how we look in the mirror can broaden our perspective and calm anxious tendencies.
3. Turn to Christ for Identity. Our standing is determined by God, not by comparison to other people. This is really the most important item here. Instead of charming others into giving me a hit of praise, I can trust God for my being good enough. My identity as a loved child of God is independent of my strivings. God’s perspective of me isn’t swayed by my good deeds (or sins). I am redeemed, esteemed, and deeply loved by him regardless. I have nothing to prove to Him. Nobody else gets a say.
4. Find Other Safe Guys. While nobody else gets to determine if I’m good enough or not, being in the company of others who accept me for who I am can greatly reinforce my self-acceptance. Spending time with other men desirous of embracing a healthy identity can be life-giving as we share and receive affirmation. Being seen and known at a deep, personal level fortifies self-esteem.
In The End, it Doesn’t Even Matter
Perhaps, asking if I’m good enough isn’t the right question. With my multitudinous flaws, I can never achieve a favorable status on my own. Despite this, God chose to sacrifice Himself to pay for my not being good enough. In His eyes, I maintain a status and identity that no human entity can alter. This isn’t in comparison to the next guy; it just is.
With my mortal, limited mindset, it can be hard to shake the vernacular of “good enough.” So, for all you fellow anthropoids, you are good enough, right here, right now. Today, let’s decide to embrace the truth about who we are—fearfully and wonderfully made; designed with purpose.
What to read next:
For the Love of God
From Suffering to Tranquility
Book: The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen
Book: How Not to Be an *SS by Andrew Bauman