Like everyone else, I entered adulthood with a slew of expectations. Of some, I was more conscious than others, but that did not change their existence or effect on me. Call me naive, but I presumed I would, more or less, follow my parents’ life blueprint. Go to college, get a good job, get married, buy a house, have kids–these were the main expectations (not necessarily in this order). These items never materialized into a list or on a tangible timeline of when they’d transpire, but they took up residence in the back of my mind.
Having goals and aspirations is all fine and good. It’s important to set a course and pursue personally meaningful milestones. But what happens when I do all the “right” things, and my expectations are not met? What does that say about me? What does that say about the world I live in?
Diabolical Disillusionment
The tricky thing about expectations is that they often come to light only after they’re not met. Life is anything but predictable, yet I like to set mental deadlines by which certain things ought to have happened.
It goes a little something like this: I’ll graduate from high school at 18, immediately start college, which will take precisely four years to complete, after which I find my dream job that I will work for the rest of my life. Sometime during college, I’ll meet a girl, and after we both graduate, we’ll get married (and obviously have sex every day, thereafter) buy a 2-story house in a new neighborhood with perfectly manicured landscaping, get nice cars, have some kids, and work contentedly until we eventually retire at 65.
Sound familiar? At least for me, this is what was laid out before me. If you do this (go to college), you’ll get this (your dream job). If you do this (work diligently), you’ll get this (financial security). If you do this (practice abstinence until your wedding night), you’ll get this (mind-blowing sex with your wife).
Through a variety of sources, I received the message that life ought to be formulaic like this. All I have to do is decide to do the responsible things (and shun the irresponsible things), and I’ll be rewarded. So, that’s just what I did.
I got good grades.
I went to college.
I never drank or smoked.
I didn’t have sex before marriage.
I didn’t acquire any debt before college.
I didn’t swear.
I went to church.
I didn’t party.
As I became an adult, I was all primed and ready to receive what life owed me.
And then it didn’t deliver.
Excuse Me, What?
If I take stock of my current life, I can identify a number of unmet expectations. These are life events that happened later than I hoped or haven’t happened at all. A burning sensation arises in my chest when I think of how life has cheated me. In my unhealthiest state of mind, I feel vindicated in my anger. I was promised certain things, wasn’t I? I am entitled to this list of possessions, status, treatment, and security. How come I don’t have them all? What went wrong? Is there something wrong with me?
This is unfair.
To be honest, I sometimes feel stupid for allowing myself to believe life would be some fairytale as long as I upheld my part of the deal. I didn’t see that there are no guarantees, and things don’t always go according to plan despite our best efforts. Reflecting on life so far, I see that I have worked hard and accomplished some milestones. However, instead of going from A to B, I feel like I bounced around the alphabet multiple times before arriving at my target for some of them. My timeline ended up in the trash.
So, what happens when I feel righteously entitled to something, and then it’s not given to me? I’m glad you asked.
A Storm’s a-Brewin’
Long story short, when expectations go unmet, I get mad. It feels like paying money for a product, but then the item is withheld from me. I paid the price, so I deserve the thing, right? The frustration is compounded when I compare myself to others who appear to have all the things I ever wanted. Life magically worked out for my peers, while I’m neck deep in filth.
Now what? Like a petulant child, I survey my devious prospects.
One option from this stance is to become a martyr. Woe is me, a lowly victim. Life hath dealt harshly with thy servant. (Please do not hesitate to indulge me with unceasing pity.) This way, I position myself in a place of pseudo-humility. In reality, I’m absolving myself of responsibility while using shame to manipulate others into soothing me. I flip the script, stating that I must be unworthy and undeserving to receive such an ill fate. I’m irredeemably defective and cast out; therefore, I am lucky if I can simply glean scraps from the table of fortune enjoyed by all others in my demographic.
Secretly, I remain bitter, and a large part of me still yearns for the “good things” of life.
Another option is to go out and take the thing I’m owed. This is sometimes called destructive entitlement. When I’m here, I wholeheartedly and vehemently believe that I can take what’s “rightfully mine.” What’s happening here is I blindly and recklessly steal something, while disregarding any consequences or impact on others.
The truth is that acquiring something through illegitimate means is not fulfilling. I’m clutching at a counterfeit, falsely believing it will be satisfactory. Furthermore, I bring pain to those close to me as I betray their trust.
Entitlement in Bed, Bath, and Beyond
One area in which we men are notorious for indulging in destructive entitlement is sex. We want unfettered access to specially curated sex, which we believe is owed to us for some reason or another. [One narrative I was told over the years in the church was that great sex was basically guaranteed from the wedding night on IF (and only if) I abstained from sex until marriage.] Sex becomes a commodity we consume whenever we see fit. Pornography sites serve up a staggering array of content to suit their patrons’ most depraved desires.
So, it’s not just material possessions, career, and/or status to which I might feel entitled. As a man, I can feel entitled to women’s bodies and what they can do for me. This can take a variety of forms, from pornography consumption to sexual coercion.
Fantastic Entitlement
One manifestation of entitlement often erroneously justified and minimized is sex within marriage. Even in (perhaps, especially in) Christian marriages, sex is viewed as a wife’s duty to her husband. It is the responsibility of the wife to allocate boundless sex to her husband; otherwise, he becomes unfulfilled and is likely to be tempted outside of marriage.
Let’s be clear: this is a “duty” driven not by love but by fear. The wife is constantly striving to be sexy enough and surrender her body whenever and however her husband desires, lest she lose his interest. With that tenuous interest is her husband’s love and care. Essentially, we’re talking about an obligatory service that glosses over a wife’s needs/desires, objectifying and dehumanizing her in the process.
This sort of subservience is clearly unhealthy, yet it is a message perpetuated by well-meaning individuals in the church. This topic deserves its own separate post, so I’ll zero in on its relevance here.
If I’m of the mindset that my wife owes me sex whenever I demand it, what happens when she doesn’t concede? What happens if she actually stands up for her needs and values herself when she doesn’t agree to sex twice daily? Here’s where our old friend destructive entitlement shows up again. When I don’t receive the sex I think I “need,” I am prone to look elsewhere to get fulfillment. When I’m “rejected” by my wife in the bedroom, this gives me a pass to turn to pornography, affairs, strip clubs, etc. Only, it doesn’t. My wife isn’t responsible for soothing my pain and giving me release on demand—not with sex or any other means.
Entitled Elixir
I hope I’ve made a sufficient case for destructive entitlement being widely dispersed and, well, destructive. Succumbing to it results in dissatisfaction, jealousy, rage, and potentially culminates in utter betrayal of those we love.
There is substantial heart-work warranted to counter the pull of destructive entitlement. Ultimately, I’ve found an efficacious antidote to this pathologically prideful and covetous belief system is gratitude. Overly-simplistic? Maybe. But effective, nonetheless. When I shift my focus from what I don’t have to what I do have, I get recalibrated into the present. I am not deficient. God has given me all that I need.
Fantasy Versus Vision
Fantasy and destructive entitlement go hand-in-hand. Both are deficit-focused and employ magical thinking, asserting that if I only had ____________, everything would be all right. I’m at a place where I’m learning to fortify myself and take a stand against this fallacious mode of thinking.
When looking to the future, there’s nothing wrong with dreaming a bit. God has outfitted me with imagination and creativity to bring exciting ideas into practical realities. The challenge is not to get lost in these dreams, falling prey to fantasy in the process.
I am equipped to create a vision for my life. This is an intentional moving forward and growing in pursuit of healthy goals in collaboration with trusted others. For me, I get to create and hasten after a vision with my wife, for our marriage and our future together. In that, I can surrender the outcomes, letting God direct me (and us) as we set out into uncharted waters.
Let’s be intentionally grateful today. Let vision, not fantasy, guide us.
What to read next:
Attuning to Grief
The Importance of Your Story
Book: The Great Sex Rescue