Differentiation From Others

Surveying past experience can bring up helpful insight into the why behind current attitudes and behaviors. If my best thinking got me into a huge mess, there must be parts of me best suited for retirement. One such part I’d love to ignore is stifled differentiation from others (learn more about this term here).

Ideally, infants begin life fused to mother in the womb. After birth, they continue this fusion, albeit with less physical, more emotional emphasis. According to an AI synthesis of a Google search, infants are blissfully unaware of their individuality until about 6 months of age. This means that, to our knowledge, we were symbiotically fused with mother (or primary caregiver) for the first half year of life outside the womb.

This merged stage has its purposes for development, and it would be really weird if it never ended. I would not learn how to exist as a human if I was not aware I was my own self, with personal agency.

I, Robot

Well, I’m fairly certain I moved through the infantile stage of differentiation. There exists, however, a less distinct, second stage of differentiation. While I may recognize I am a separate entity from others, I have struggled to awaken and develop my self, with opinions, desires, needs, and passions.

Early in life, I learned to be a people-pleaser. I vied for positive affirmation, and sought to avoid being disliked by others. Since I was wrapped up in the perspectives and judgments of others, I inhibited the formation of my inner being. It was easier to go along with the preferences and opinions of others—at least externally—than to speak up and risk facing conflict.

The result: I became a social chameleon, adapting to the consensus and deferring to others. I suppressed my own personal development in order to be likable.

The Golden Rule

As the oldest boy in my family consisting of 6 kids, I naturally settled into a forerunner position. Despite being the pioneer and initial example of what a growing boy should be like in my family, I also acquired the unspoken title, ‘Golden Boy’. Without going into too much detail, this role is essentially the favored boy in a family system, on whom the greatest expectations fall. Externally, the golden boy (or girl) looks like he has it altogether; his parents brag about him to their friends; and he is showered with affirmation—as long as he stays within the lines.

The dark reality is the sacrifice of autonomy that transpires. I’ve long felt burdened by the judgment of others when making decisions for myself, which clouds my ability to think critically. Despite it appearing like I was making choices and excelling, I lost a part of myself each time I chose something more to please someone else than to propel me forwards in my own life vision.

Love Me, Love Me, Say That You Love Me

If you sang that heading in your mind, you get a gold star.

Everyone likes affirmation. Some of us (me) like it a little too much. To be a healthy, assertive man, I need to be able to make wise decisions. Receiving praise for things I do is fine—this is how we learn right from wrong, after all. But it ought not to be the primary concern for decisions made as an adult. I’m learning that I cannot (and should not try to) please everybody.

Part of the appeal of affirmation is the happy reward chemicals that get released in my brain. Additionally, it tells me that I’m drawing inside the lines—I’m doing the “right” thing. Underneath the placating and the saying-yes-when-I-should-say-no is a desire to maintain relational homeostasis and steer clear of conflict.

Conflict aversion really deserves its own post, so I will not diverge too much here. Instead, I will note that people-pleasing is the antithesis to conflict. A lack of safety and security in relationships, paired with shame, has at times created a belief that all conflict is dangerous. If I make somebody mad, the relationship will invariably end, swiftly and on bad terms, and I will be saddled with grief for the rest of my life. Yeah, so, I don’t like conflict.

Emotional Differentiation

When I fail to differentiate, I get swept up in the emotions of the other. No longer can I identify where your feelings end and mine begin. I look to others for how to react (positively or negatively) and how large (or small) my reaction should be.

Epiphany moment: With that last sentence, I got a mental image of a droplet becoming one with a larger body of water and losing its individual form. The pool of liquid represented the average wavelength of the masses: the “mainstream”. Generally, I tout a resistance to the mainstream, judging it as tepid and trite. My realization is that perhaps I harbor a hostility towards the consensus of the population since I’ve felt controlled and obligated to others in my upbringing. Oof, I’m going to have to do some work around this.

Initially, I can appreciate that I have an inner voice that may not agree with others. Over time, I trust that voice less and less. Perpetually choking out my inner self trains it to sit down and be quiet. Eventually, I lose touch with the core of who I am, becoming one with the amalgamation.

What To Do, What To Do

I would be remiss if I left us all hanging there. The obvious solution here is to learn to differentiate from others and develop my true self. It’s a shame there isn’t a button, labeled ‘DIFFERENTIATE’, that I could press and instantly become a wholly differentiated, radiating-with-agency man. Where’s AI when we really need it?

I’ve got a secret for you: I don’t know what to do. This is a work-in-progress. How about we start with what not to do?

Over the years, I’ve maintained a fair amount of anger and bitterness. This bit of me no doubt is largely funded by my unfettered obligation to others. Sometimes, anger can be the catalyst necessary to initiate action to right an injustice. Other times, as in my case, it’s the result of years of doing what I think will please others instead of what I really want to do. If the anger is muddied with pride, it can cause me to be reactive and rebellious.

In terms of differentiation, anger can spurn me to do the opposite of what will please others. Doing so stems from the false belief that the best way I can claim my independence and autonomy is to do the polarized action. Makes sense, right? Ah, but this is a sneaky trap. See, doing the opposite action just to spite others isn’t exercising agency and free-will. I’m still ensnared in obligation because my “choice” was ultimately made on account of another person. I end up doing the opposite but the same.

Unburdened

Strangely, I feel a sense of peace despite not having a clear action plan. This acknowledgement of where I’m at feels like progress. Bringing awareness to my decision-making may be the next thing I need. Instead of letting external forces dictate how I show up in life, I desire to keep learning how to be motivated by wisdom and honesty.

What to read next:

The Importance of Your Story: Part 1