Overcoming the High of Sex Addiction – Part 1

Returning to the Same ol’ Thing in Addiction

Addiction reminds me of this Bible passage: “As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.” (Proverbs 26:11 NKJV) The manifestation of addiction is not unlike this grotesque comparison of a dog consuming recently-spewed nastiness from within. The problem with addiction is that when we’re stuck in it, we don’t see it for what it really is. Instead of viewing it as puke*, it looks to us like sweet, sweet candy. It even tastes good at the time.

Cyclical Cataclysm

Let’s say I wanted to ask my old self why he views pornography. What would he/I say? It seems like a fruitless question. What do you mean, ‘why’? Isn’t it obvious? I think it’s an important question with which to grapple. Nobody looks at pornography for no reason, just like nobody drinks alcohol, smokes, or overeats for no reason.

Have you ever honestly asked yourself why you’re addicted to something? A straight inquiry about why you repeat a behavior or consume something you know is unhealthy can be hard to answer.

I’m not entirely certain how I would have answered this question while in the throes of addiction, but I probably would have initially reported that it “makes me feel good (to view pornography).”

Well, goodness, aren’t there other things in life that make one feel good that are less vile? Certainly. But, as any addict will attest to, the drug of choice hits different. The rapturous rush from consuming whatever “drug” that is makes one rationalize its use.

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Okay, so we’ve established that we feel not just good, but particularly good when we consume our “drug.” We know by now that we build up a tolerance to a certain amount of the substance, and then require greater quantities to reach the same level of high. This is true of all addictions–not just illicit drugs.

It’s never enough, and it will never be enough. Yet, we remain trapped in this cycle, unsatisfied and preoccupied with finding the next fix. Now that I’m aware I can feel particularly good, I’m not satisfied with feeling “regular good” anymore.

Isn’t this how addiction works? At some point in early life, we try something that makes us feel oh-so-good. Like, inconceivably good. After coming down, we become dissatisfied with our baseline feelings, and we go seeking that something again.

Insert Coin

Is it really that simple? We just want to feel really good as often as possible? Ah, but perhaps that’s just one side of the coin. In fact, this is precisely what my thesis is.

Every thing I do is driven by a desire to gain something positive, avoid something negative, or both. Not only does addiction make me feel super good during times of use, it (possibly more importantly) helps me avoid difficult feelings. (I am careful here to say “difficult” feelings instead of “negative” feelings, because feelings are neither positive nor negative—they just are.)

I did not succumb to pornography addiction just because I wanted to feel good. This addiction grasped me by the throat with two hands. One hand was the feeling good; the other hand was the easy escape from challenging emotions—from pain.

Prodding Profoundly

Now, we’re playing with a full deck—er, coin. How powerful, then, is an addiction that offers not only an escape from pain but an addition of euphoria? It’s no wonder addiction can be so arduous to quit. A twofold benefit is a hard bargain to beat.

Here comes the part where I ask, “so what?”

So what? I could claim that my addiction isn’t hurting anyone. It’s not like I’m committing murder. I’m perfectly content consuming pornography on the internet in secret while looking down my nose at alcoholics and drug abusers. Now, those people are real addicts.

Not so fast.

It might be easier to identify the destructive aspect(s) of over-indulging in alcohol. We’ve all heard stories or been involved in situations where someone was hurt, physically and/or emotionally, as a result of alcohol intoxication. The effects of pornography consumption is not going to put you at risk of getting a DUI or cause you to fall down a flight of stairs and break your arm.

So, is pornography “less bad” than those other addictions?

Not so fast.

Not So Fast

Part of the diabolical nature of pornography is that its use can be rationalized even easier than the more overt addictions, such as alcoholism. This is especially true if I keep it a secret. A festering cesspool hidden from view is still a festering cesspool. The old saying, “What they don’t know can’t hurt them” is utter trash.

An entirely separate post is warranted to sufficiently describe the pernicious effects of pornography addiction. For now, I will say that pornography use has impacted me, personally, in a myriad of ways. Unlike alcohol intoxication, the effects of consuming this material are not transient; it seeps into the core and skews how one views the world, making it that much easier to dehumanize and mistreat others.

Pornography takes something connecting and sacred, and warps it into a commodity to be selfishly consumed. Check out Fight the New Drug to learn more, including how trafficking and coercion saturate the porn industry.

It is of no merit to suggest pornography addiction is less harmful than any other addiction. It simply isn’t true, and any such endeavor is a digression from the real issue.

Circling Back Around

If we accept that pornography addiction is, indeed, unhealthy and detrimental, just like a host of other addictions, where does that leave us? Say I want to quit my addiction. Where do I start? How can I simply abandon this source of instantaneous gratification when the rest of my life is teeming with misery?

It can seem utterly impossible to kick a soul-permeating addiction such as that of pornography consumption.

Let’s slow down. What is the first thing I can do?

Change is not going to happen without insight and an impetus.

Keep Asking Why

Toddlers go through a delightful developmental stage of curiosity, marked by an incessant asking of “why?” Even the most patient of parents eventually run out of answers. Let’s take a page from the toddlers’ handbook, and keep asking why—what are the reasons behind our addiction to a substance, be it pornography, alcohol, affairs, or licking frogs.

If we look at the latter-mentioned side of the coin, we encounter a sort of Pandora’s box. Jeez, a coin and now a box? Somebody likes analogies. Perhaps, I’m marginally aware that I have some dark feelings that I’d rather not feel. Or perhaps I’ve sworn off feelings altogether, and live a life of apathy because it feels safer. Either way, it takes immense fortitude to turn over that coin, open that box, dance that jig, or what-have-you.

A great starting place is to begin identifying those deep, dark feelings. Check out a previous post, From Suffering to Tranquility, for more on identifying and managing painful emotions.

I Wear My Heelys to Forget my Feelies

When we’ve become adept at avoiding feelings, using strong methods like pornography to do so, it can be burdensome to rediscover them. Curiosity and repetition are helpful tools in identifying difficult feelings. The next time you’re tempted to cope with your drug of choice (porn, food, alcohol, sugar, etc.), try asking yourself what you’re feeling or what you need right now.

We’ve gotten accustomed to hard emotions carrying us straight into addictive consumption versus taking a time-out to figure out what’s really going on inside. Maybe I’m feeling alone and need connection. Maybe I’m feeling like a failure and need to be reminded that I am capable.

By slowing down the steps of acting out with our addiction, we set ourselves up to make an intentional choice. Ironically, by ignoring our feelings, we end up being controlled by them. When we run away from feeling not good enough, that feeling sends us tumbling into unhealthy coping. Just like pain is an indicator—a signal—that something is wrong with our body, our emotions are indicators of what’s going on in our heart.

And Grace Abounds

When dealing with such a charged addiction like pornography, it’s easy to feel shameful. Nobody wants to admit they have any addiction. An addiction to pornography comes outfitted with labels such as, “pervert,” “creep,” “disgusting.” The truth is that, in a spurious fashion, pornography helped you and me at one point in our lives. Without the proper tools to address tough emotions, and not feeling safe and/or empowered to seek them out, pornography was the sustenance that helped me survive.

Now, I am in no way condoning pornography use, in any context. What I am saying is that there are unhealthy, destructive coping mechanisms that you and I have picked up during development that aided us at that time, even though they were also harmful. Presently, as grown men, we have the agency to choose to retire poor coping mechanisms that do not serve us.

For a long time, I was stuck in the “woe is me” victim-mentality of pornography addiction. I felt powerless to overcome it, and was daily reckoning with my self-appointed title of “pervert”. Desperately wanting to quit, I didn’t understand that shaming myself was not going to elicit healthy change—in fact, it only drove me deeper into addiction. There is a warranted dose of guilt (feeling bad about doing something) that we can use to combat addiction. However, assuming a position of shame (I am bad) is supremely unhelpful.

In spite of your addiction, God’s grace overflows to even you. I pray that you will have the courage to take the next right step in battling whatever addiction ails you.

Stay Tuned

This post was getting a bit lengthy, so I’m going to pause and continue in this same vein in Part 2 of this post. I’d like to share more about the path beyond acute porn addiction. What if I’m “sober” now, but still feel that pull to act out? Keep a lookout for Part 2 coming soon to a blog site near you.

UPDATE: Part 2 is here!

*While searching for a synonym for ‘vomit,’ Google blessed me with these delicious options: ‘pavement pizza,’ ‘liquid laugh,’ and ‘technicolor yawn’.