Overcoming the High of Sex Addiction – Part 2

7 minute read

It’s Never Enough

In Part 1, I mentioned how part of addiction is requiring progressively greater doses to experience the same effect. I truly wish I never sustained the excessive rush of pornography. Unfortunately for just about every man, exposure to pornography is inevitable. There’s a line that’s crossed—an innocence that’s spoiled—when a boy discovers pornography. As with an illicit drug, nothing previously experienced can hold a candle to that euphoric high.

There’s no putting the cat back in the bag. Once porn arrives on the scene, there’s a new high water mark.

How Can I Live

What I’m finding now after a number of years free from pornography addiction is sometimes disheartening. When I slip into an emotional low point, a sense of dissatisfaction arises. It’s like my system, in the context of timeless pain, is cued up to remember that old drug. And it’s not that I feel immediate temptation to go look at pornography. Fortunately, that beast of sex addiction has been starved long enough to not pose a serious threat. Nonetheless, there’s a deep longing for something that still surfaces from time to time.

I think the yearning is not necessarily for pornography itself. Rather, a destitute state of my heart calls for a jump-start. I’ve grown so much in my ability to experience joy, wonder, and beauty while in recovery from sex addiction. These healthy, fulfilling forms of nourishment have been vital deposits into the chasm that sex addiction left behind. Even so, there are times when it feels like it’s not enough.

The closest comparison I can conjure is food. Elements of sex addiction are like high fructose corn syrup—pure, unadulterated sweetness. A super-charged, sugary substance like this has no comparison. But you can’t live on that stuff. Really, you’d be better off never having it.

To live (and feel decent), we require a variety of real nutrients. We get our macro-nutrients dialed in, with the fats, proteins, and carbs—you know, the “good” stuff, the “whole” foods—and things are supposed to be just peachy (10 pun points awarded). The problem is that vegetables taste like sadness. Okay, not all vegetables—but some do (raw kale, I’m looking at you). Yes, some food both tastes good and is relatively good for you. But true, “healthy” food is known for being lackluster and dissatisfying.

If I had never tasted Starburst or Skittles, maybe I’d be more content with regular, life-sustaining food. Sex addiction is like sugar addiction. Now that I know that this exists, how can I ever be satisfied with fruits and vegetables again?

Simmer Down

As a kid, maybe I would have liked to try to eat nothing but candy all day. As an adult, I still enjoy candy, but I know that there are deleterious effects from consuming it. When I eat too much, I feel sick. Also, I know that if I tried a strict diet of sugar, I would become malnourished and die.

The point I’m making here is not that I crave sugar, or the high of sexual acting out, all the time. But there are those times when my system remembers the rocky mountain high experience I used to snag in addiction whenever I felt down. It’s as if normal, regular life loses its color. The things that have been bringing me contentment and joy now seem gray and devoid.

Not the Same

Sometimes, I feel bad that I don’t feel good. Does that make sense? No, it doesn’t. Let me try to explain.

In a previous post (Catch a Glimpse Part 1 and Part 2), I talked about my newfound ability to perceive and receive beauty, especially in nature. I’d love to say that every single time I’m in nature, I feel God’s enthralling presence and am overcome with gratitude and joy. It is true that I often feel this, to some degree. But to say I always feel that way would be dishonest.

I could go to the exact same vista overlooking the ocean, at the same time of day under the same conditions on two consecutive days, and feel completely different. One day, I feel great. The next, I feel disconnected. I’ve realized that I sometimes condemn myself for feeling less than overjoyed. I know I’m looking at something beautiful that God created. And I know that it evoked awe just one day prior. If it’s the same place, the glaring variable here is me. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I feel good again?

This is what I mean when I say I feel bad that I don’t feel good. I guess I believe I’m letting God down, being unappreciative of the beauty He is revealing to me. I ought to feel more, and my numbness fuels a deep sense of shame.

Take Me Back

I don’t like feeling bad. I’m going to be recklessly presumptuous and assume you don’t like it either. What’s worse than feeling bad is feeling bad about feeling bad. Another conclusion at which I might arrive is that the stimulus just isn’t cutting it today. Maybe God is having an off day. In a blasphemous mode of logic, I shift from shaming myself to blaming God for a subpar presentation of His creation.

I decide I can’t rely on God for my “good feelies” right now. I must need something with a little more “oomph” to get me out of this slump.

I begin to remember my days of unfettered sex addiction. With my trusty rose-colored glasses, I gaze upon my memories of acting out, surgically isolating and consuming the euphoria.

Restless and squirming in my despondency, I want to be rescued by something outside myself. My addict brain is begging for attention. I’m remembering the quick fix that these behaviors secured.

What is Normal

The reality is that feeling less than awesome is just part of life. I’m going to get bummed sometimes. I’m going to have days that are better than others. The “problem” is not that I’m defective or that God is unreliable. Heartache, loss, loneliness, listlessness…these are part of what makes us human. God never promised that we would perpetually feel super great during our earthly lifetimes. Similarly, we are not going to be downhearted all the time.

In the midst of feeling unpleasant, it’s great to pause and try to understand the feelings. What is going on in life right now that might trigger me to feel this way? What stressors have I faced in the past few days? Making some sense of current misery can ease the shame around feeling that way. Yet, it might not take it away.

A brief life audit can often shed a lot of light on present feelings. Deadlines at work, a recent passing of a loved one, a tense argument with your spouse—we might have tried to put on a brave face and press through these stressors. Then, we get blindsided a few days or weeks later by a troublesome mood, seemingly arising from nowhere. The old addict is not far behind.

Final Stage of Grief

Determining potential sources of painful feelings is a wise first step. It might be the case that you can then self-regulate (perhaps, using the Pain and Peace Cycle from a previous post). You could also use that understanding to glide into a place of acceptance. The hard feelings themselves are not the issue—a problem to be fixed. If my sole goal is to escape the pain, I’ll be more tempted by addictive behaviors.

One hard lesson I’ve been learning is that I can experience sadness and be okay. When I get doused by a bucketful of sludge from the cesspool of melancholy, I can accept it for what it is; I need not lose myself in it. I’m learning to trust that God does not abandon me in my grief; He is there in the grief with me.

“I can experience sadness and be okay.”

When I find myself in the storm of despair, I can find the middle ground between giving up and seeking the “cure.” Surrendering to the winds of grief is sometimes a necessary alternative. I can have faith that this too shall pass. Addiction will not overtake me.

In the meantime, I know that God is “close to the brokenhearted.” (Ps. 34.18)

Check out a guest blog I wrote for Integrity Counseling Group to hear more about finding hope in battling sex addiction.