Let’s talk about true love. Sorry, not the romantic kind. I mean unconditional positive regard—the type of love that’s genuine, trustworthy, and pure. Receiving this love gives the recipient the sense of being known, chosen, and cared for. On the heels of my last post on receiving God’s love, I’ve had some new reflections on love in general.
A Declaration of Independence
There’s no denying I belong to a highly individualistic culture. Here in the U.S., we like to tout being “self-made” (even if there’s no such thing), boasting our independence from others. If we share the load, I don’t get all the credit for the outcome. Winner-takes-all is the default—and, let me tell you, I’m a winner.
Furthermore, I belong to a family system that’s incidentally similar. This is a sobering bit for me to put into words. I’ve coasted along most of my life, implicitly convinced of having a normal family. While I don’t think the motivation parallels American culture, the result is one of comparable individuation and isolation. The driving force is instead a lack of motivation for closeness.
I come from a family of six kids. To many people, this is analogous to parental masochism. I could outline here how I was perhaps love-deprived due to the insufficient ratio of nurturers to children (in case this ambiguity sounded suspect, the ratio was 2:6 [1:3]—my father was not a polygamist). Maybe there is some truth to this stance. But maybe there’s something more. Cue the commercial break.
Love in General
As I developed, I generally felt loved by my parents. Again, I could grab the scalpel and excise some evidence suggestive of impure, quantity-over-quality love. Despite my parents’ best efforts to offer me true love, it was bound to be impaired by human errancy. I do not mean to minimize the value of exploring how parental love has impacted me, both positively and negatively. However, to hold two individuals (again, not polygamists) wholly responsible for my understanding and embodiment of love seems unfair.
Whatever alloy of love my parents proffered was doomed to miss the mark (heh, pun points). But, you know what? Even if my parents gave me unblemished, true love 100% of the time, it wouldn’t have been enough. How could I say something so controversial yet so true? Let’s discuss.
Back Up, Bro
Reconsidering my rosy view of my family, let’s take a wide-angle approach. We’ve established that my family of origin, namely my parents, could not offer me perfect love. Fortunately, family is greater than the immediate. Unfortunately, extended family also isn’t flawless. Man, this post is uplifting.
I can imagine a reality in which the family system recognizes its gaps and fills them by assigning respective roles to alternative members. The spaces parents can’t cover are occupied by grandparents, uncles, aunts, et cetera. In some cultures, this is largely the norm. Regardless of culture, a family system like this is possible. I’ve seen it. Regrettably, I haven’t observed it much in my own family.
‘Ohana
Nobody’s family is without its quirks and flaws. Gathering insight and identifying some of those flaws brings mixed feelings. It’s a slippery descent from knowledge to resentment. I own that I dip into bitterness from time to time while considering my own extended family’s shortcomings. The challenge is to acknowledge grief where there’s grief, but maintain a desire for growth in spite of it.
Divorce and estrangement are common themes woven through my extended family. I suppose this precedent of disconnection makes it unsurprising that love and nurturing have been sparse.
I’m hesitant to report a severe lack of feeling chosen, special, or even noticed by my extended family. Again, I’m not keen on blaming or condemning. But I think it’s important for me to concede. I cannot sit in judgment and definitively declare the contents of my grandparents’ hearts as they’ve maintained their distance over the years. Maybe they wanted to show me love, but never really knew how.
The intentions of grandparents (or aunts, uncles, etc, for that matter) don’t really matter. What matters is how much I felt loved or not.
If my parents “failed” to love me sufficiently, who was there for me? Who was there to regard me warmly? To tell me I was loved? To fill me up when I was empty?
My silent cries for love echoed in that hollow chamber.
Empty Inside
Bereft of sufficient true love, what becomes of me? Acknowledging this dereliction illuminates the path to addiction. If I’m empty, I desire to be filled. My particular family system inadvertently sent me the erroneous message that females are the main source of adoration. This is where strict gender roles did me a disservice.
It comes as no surprise, then, that I would be drawn to the female essence to receive the love for which I yearned. But affection elicited from other women is not what I required. The need is authentic; the method to satiate is not.
Because attention and affirmation from women will never fill me, I’ve desperately broadened my horizons. In my addiction, I not only increased the intensity and volume of “love”-seeking from women, but I also became a placater in general. Performing and people-pleasing have been my modus operandi. Despite the immense quantities of time and energy I’ve committed to being likable and avoiding conflict, I still feel like I’m subsisting on life support. Esteem for a facade can never permeate the deep longings of my soul. It’s like applying a topical analgesic for a bone disease.
People-pleasing is a manipulative transaction. Even if I’ve convinced myself I’m being nice out of sheer goodness, if I’m expecting something in return, it’s inauthentic. Real love is given freely, without stipulations, from an overflow of the heart.
So, what if my heart is empty?
Finding True Love
The key is seeking legitimate sources of love. I’ve long pursued cheap substitutes that promised to meet my needs, but ultimately disappointed, leaving me even more destitute than before. I’m tired of this cycle of false love: offering laced regard to receive the same in return.
There may be multiple entry points to break this cycle. I’m hoping to continue improving my direct connection with God, the ultimate source of true love. I’m also learning to lean on and trust the positive regard from other healthy relationships in my life.
In the meantime, God has been showing His love to me through his creation. I experience tremendous joy from interacting with animals in the wild (particularly sea creatures at our local tidepools). I know this may sound bizarre, but I get a profound sense of God’s love for me when I’m cradling an octopus or gazing upon a bright orange sea star. He knows these creatures bring me joy, and I see them as His gifts to me. Nature boasts endless quantities of rich beauty and vitality, gifts of God’s love for me.
We love others well when we are filled and overflowing with the love given to us. Allowing myself to receive all the (true) love I can get from God and other healthy relationships, being known and chosen in the process, then, is not a selfish endeavor. True love satisfies me, granting me the ability to love others out of a place of abundance.
I hope you can find this true love today. Let’s be loved and love each other well.
What to read next from Men-tegrity:
Be Loved, White Flag